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What exactly is a one-sided relationship? It’s when one of you is investing more time, energy, effort, emotional support, and so forth. So basically, there is no equal reciprocation between you and your spouse. That was my husband and I for quite a bit of time the first few years of our marriage. It’s unhealthy let me tell you. However what are some of the signs of a one sided marriage and how do you fix it to where BOTH of you are infusing qualities into that marriage box?
Signs of a One-sided Marriage
- You’re Not a Priority – Your partner is simply not there for you like you are for them. You always do things for them but you can’t say they always do the same for you. They rather spend time with everyone else except you, or vice versa. For my husband and I, I didn’t view my husband as a priority. I gave my attention to work, and my friends, and mundane things. I only gave him 40% of me. If I did give him more and spent time with him it was begrudgingly. Do you feel that you are not a priority in your marriage, or does your spouse feel this way about YOU?
- You Go Out of Your Way to Make An Effort – Are YOU the one who plans out date nights, sends sweet text messages, does things around the house, and are a bit more industrious? Are you the one who makes all the effort to make your spouse feel special while your spouse just dismisses it like eh, okay whatever another sappy thing. You just don’t feel appreciated and you’re left unfulfilled.
- You May Develop Feelings of Insecurity – Do you feel like you’re not enough? Like nothing you do is good enough and you try your hardest and it doesn’t go anywhere! I remember someone who knows Jason and I well tell me, “You know, Jason he loves you, he has two kids with you, he’s all in! But you have to act that way too.” So I had to really adjust myself to not contribute to my husband’s insecurity and make him feel like he’s less than! I was a piece of work!
- They Downplay You and Your Opinions – You feel like you have no say in things, it’s either your spouse’s way or no way! They belittle you and your feelings and you must just shut your mouth and sit in the corner somewhere and don’t have an opinion. That’s one sided and it’s unfair and unloving to treat your spouse that way!
- You’re the One That Communicates About Issues – When you bring up issues to your spouse because you care about the health of your marriage and try to fix things, does your partner shut down? Are they a withdrawer? They may become passive aggressive and get defensive when issues are confronted to them. Again, that’s one sided.
Solutions to Your One Sided Marriage
So how do you both get on the same page? How do you keep your marriage from depleting due to it being one-sided?
- Communication – Yes, communication is brought up like a broken record in marriages but it’s honestly one of the only ways to really fix things! You have to TALK! Carefully and clearly, and candidly speak about what is truly wrong and how you feel. Make the communication happen. If you can’t do it face to face because one of you withdraws, then write a letter and tell them how you feel. REALLY get it across to them so they understand it. Even if they get defensive, stay the course!
- Be Willing to Make Adjustments & Changes – If you want things to change in your marriage, YOU have to change, or THEY have to change! Don’t have the view of okay he or she has to be the one to move over and budge. BOTH of you have to be active participants. It starts with the little things. You don’t have to start with big flamboyant things. Start with small things and allow your heart to be moved to do more out of love. It can only do that if you’re all in 100%! If there is no change happening whatsoever, blatantly unwilling, then that’s another issue that needs to be dealt with and at that point stronger professional help is needed. On the flip side, I advocate for marriage being permanent so I will not condone divorce or separation but NO judgment if that’s the choice you want to make for yourself and well-being.
- Give your Spouse the Opportunity to Show Up More – You do this by again communicating your needs and desires, but also not just doing EVERYTHING either. Allow your spouse to take the initiative sometimes. If you’re someone who puts a lot of effort into the marriage because that’s just how you are, you may not be giving your spouse the opportunity to do the same for you. You may have a set flow to things already and it’s hard to change. You give give give and end up feeling frustrated after because you’re giving a lot in HOPE that your partner will do the same in return. There’s no mindreaders so again, emphasize the NEEDS and allow them to show up and meet them which goes back to communication.
- Make Your Marriage a PRIORITY – I can’t stress this enough! Unless the 4 A’s are present which are abuse, abandonment, addiction & adultery – put a high priority on your marriage and say no to the mundane things that do not contribute to the marriage’s well being! We get so caught up sometimes with what our marriage is not, and what our spouse is not that it causes that marriage to fall to the bottom of the barrel. When you start putting in the work and giving it your TRUE all you will feel it! Learn each other’s love languages and USE IT! Ask your spouse, what is it that I can do? When doing things and making decisions, THINK ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE AND THEIR FEELINGS! It’s not just you anymore. You two are a team now. You have to act like it. Be quick to charge your marriage and keep a full battery the way you are quick to charge your phone.
So if you’re dealing with a one-sided marriage, hope is not lost. Anything is salvageable if both of you are willing to save it. It’s not going to be easy but when you try and put forth the effort it’s definitely worth it. Marriage is for the long-haul. Marriage requires active effort to continuously come together, despite the differences, preferences, and personalities. Now matter which way you go, you HAVE TO TALK! But I’ll leave with you this – LOVE is the action it prompts. So if you have that love, it’s going to enable you to think outwardly instead of inwardly when it comes to your marriage and personally to your spouse.
Amber Myers says
This would be tough. My marriage wasn’t the greatest in the beginning, but we’ve really grown and it’s better.
Joanna says
Communication is so important! I can’t imagine how someone can start feeling insecure in their relationship because their partner is not making her/him feel special.
Carrie Pankratz says
This is a great post. In my marriage, many of our issues came because I just did everything and then got mad that he wasn’t doing more. As you said, I never gave him the opportunity. He had no idea that I wanted him to be doing more. Once I communicated that, it solved most of our problems. My husband wants to make me happy, but he’s not a mind reader. lol
Yanitza says
These are some great tips. It’s great to see both the problem and the solution.
Sarah Stockley says
Communication is everything in a marriage or relationship. I have been with my husband for 23 years and married for 5 years. I think we have lasted this long as we do communicate and look out for each other.
denise says
I am so with you on this post. Not giving hope and will stay married, but it is definitely different doing our own thing. It’s the only way we can keep our sanity around each other.
Tara Pittman says
This is good. It made me realize that we should try to not make our marriage like this. My relationship with my husband can always need improvement.
Bella says
This would be tough … My boyfriend and I always plan a night a week to chat and catch up on each others week! we get so busy lately. so its nice to make a time for each other.
Krysten Quiles says
My marriage is definitely a partnership and I am so thankful for that!
Alvern says
I really like the comparison of marriage to charging your phone. Keeping the marriage battery full is so important. I would also like to add that using these same principles while dating before you get married can lead to a more fruitful marriage as well.
Rena says
I’ve been happily married for 30 years and I have learned over those years that sometimes he puts in more effort and sometimes I put in more effort. But we both make each other’s feelings a priority above all else. It’s worked for us perfectly. We met on a Friday night, moved in together the very next day and we’ve never spent a night apart in all of those years. True love does exist.
Monidipa says
Not only marriage this is applicable for relationships too. Good solutions!
Jacqui Odell says
Communication is always a big KEY! It’s important to have that or it will fail. Or if you keep it inside you will blow up on the person. Not a great situation.
Hailey Householder says
I love how you gave a detailed solution to each problem. Marriage is WORK and really takes time to learn tips like this.
Lavanda Michelle says
Wow, I never heard of a one-sided marriage. I enjoyed reading about it and the solutions.
Vivienne says
It’s so important to communicate and to be able to be yourself in any relationship. My podcast partner and I talk about this all the time on our show. These are really important talking points that you’ve laid out.
Nishtha says
Great post. The signs are spot on and I agree that communication and making your relationship a priority are so imp!