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Do you tell your family or friends about your marital issues, or do you feel it’s too personal? No judgment if you do tell, as it’s natural to want to talk to them about problems you’re having especially if you just absolutely need to vent! They lend a sympathetic ear, they leave you feeling better after the conversation and so forth. Here’s the thing though: How MUCH should you share?
I can’t speak for everyone of how much they share or even if they should share at all. For myself, I learned that the hard way. I told too much, and it was totally not necessary to do that! I didn’t mind my friends or family knowing things, but what I failed to realize was that my Husband felt betrayed knowing that I was out discussing our issues and his faults. When speaking ill of your spouse to your family and friends, they may begin looking at them or treating them differently. This can be the case even AFTER you and your spouse patch things up. When something is resolved, and you want the support from your people with regard to the relationship or marriage, you could find that they’re still angry or biased against them.
So what are some common things shared about a relationship or marriage that you may discuss, but may be a bit much?
- Sex Life – What happens behind bedroom doors should stay behind bedroom doors. If you’re not satisfied, or your spouse wants sex too much, or too little, whatever the case may be, good or bad communicate that to your spouse and leave it at home. There’s times when someone can be discussing how their sex life is, and now you have your friends subconsciously curious about how your spouse is sexually..which isn’t good at all! That’s a bad trap to fall into. Talking about your spouse’s kinks or performance is just so personal and loaded that it should be kept between you and your spouse, or even a therapist if needed to be discussed.
- Financial Info – The precise numbers when it comes to salary, a bad investment made, or even any debt that is being dealt with. If your spouse is fired or laid off from their job, such things may be embarrassing to share so with your spouse’s consent you can speak in general like, “We’re having financial trouble” as opposed to specific details.
- Infidelity issues – This is a huge one because one, it’s embarrassing. Two, it’s such a big deal in a marriage that instances like this should only be discussed with those you trust THE MOST! When my husband and I were going through issues with this, I wasn’t careful in who I discussed it with. I was so busy trying to get my side out that I told people who now today, I’m not even friends with at all, and one family member that I told, I don’t even trust with a ten foot pole because if that person gets in their mood and gets upset about something and we’re not on the best terms – are they gonna tell, and WHO are they going to tell?
Hence why we should be cautious about WHO and HOW MUCH should be shared about marital things..
Here’s a rule of thumb: If you haven’t spoken with your spouse about something at all, or YET, it shouldn’t leave the privacy of your home, UNLESS it’s a therapist. There would be times I would be telling my friends about issues and things in our marriage, but it wasn’t being communicated to Jason about it!
I had to keep to mind, and STILL have to keep in mind that God designed the marriage as something EXCLUSIVE. So to preserve its integrity and promote its health, I have to take measures to protect it from outside meddling. I also wanted to be careful that I’m not being swayed to do something or things AGAINST my marriage.
So when problems arise in a relationship or marriage, you can usually find tactful ways to talk to your friends or family (that you’re closest to and trust who are mature) about what’s going on without getting into specifics that might betray your spouse’s trust. It’s best to talk about how YOU are feeling versus details about your spouse and their actions.
The idea of needing support and simply wanting to vent are so normal. However, be mindful and use discretion with certain issues. So do you share things with your family and friends or do you feel it’s too personal?
Marta says
It is SO hard to know just what is “safe” to share with friends. This is a great post for determining what to do.
Vanessa Jimoh says
This is all so true. It’s normal to want to seek advice but sometimes we have to deal with things with our spouse before taking it outside of the home. Family is loyal to me so just bc I’ve forgiven him doesn’t mean they will.
Kathy Kenny Ngo says
This is so true. Sometimes, we think it’s okay to rant but at the end of the day, it’s only you and your partner who can truly fix things.
Gideon Akachukwu Okorie says
It’s never advisable to have a third party in one’s marriage, couples should always stick to each other at all time.
Ugwuanyi Christian Chibuikem says
You are very right “what happened behind doors should always remain there”. Going against this rule has left so many homes broken.
Emily Fata says
I think it depends on who you’re sharing with and if you want to be able to come back from it after you’ve said it. Some people aren’t so forgiving!
Patricia @ Grab a Plate says
Good rules to live by. I have a large family, and it’s tricky when you tell one sibling something, the rest end up knowing whether you want them to or not 😉
Bella says
Ughhh I know I I never know whats right to talk about or not because I am super close with my family but there has to be a boundary
Nikki Wayne says
Such a great topic. And I couldn’t agree more with all your points.
Lyanna Soria says
Those are some great tips to keep in mind. I totally agree with you on this one, there is a line in where and how much you can share with other people and you should also pick those who will keep it a secret even if you guys had a fallout.
Gervin Khan says
I agree with your that, it should not be necessary to tell or share everything about your marital issues with your friends and family. Maybe telling them will help you ease the pain but definitely, it is not helping you solve the problem. So for me, everything should not be shared with anyone even with our friends and family.
Marisa says
I 100% agree! I’ve always been a super private person! Love that you wrote about this topic because its really important to share!
Krysten Quiles says
I’ve never felt comfortable bringing others into my marital issues. Those are between my husband and me.
Nadalie Bardo says
Hmm, this is a serious question. In my opinion, not everyone (or anyone) needs to know your business.
Dorry Lyn says
Third party is a no no, only the couple can fix all things
Donna Blair says
Amber, this is my first time reading your blog!! I must tell you that you’re writing is awesome & gives such a great perspective on such important topics. You’re so open & honest!! I do admire you, your ability to speak so honestly with grace & experience, but very relatable & “down to earth “ I will be looking forward to reading everything!!!! Love ya dear sister 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
amberl.hurley says
You are so sweet Donna thank you so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️