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We often listen to reply, but we don’t listen to understand..
Is your partner a good listener? Or are you often saying to them, “You’re not listening to me!” At that point what you heard is different from what your partner said. Then there’s another argument going. Here’s why it happens:
- You’re distracted, tired, or both. The kids are yelling in the back, or one of you is on your phone scrolling through instagram and just giving the “Okay” head nod. Your partner is trying to talk to you and your mind is elsewhere. So the timing can definitely be off.
- You make assumptions. You assume that there is a hidden message behind your partner’s words and then you start overthinking it and reading too much into it. For example: Suppose your partner says, “You worked way too late this week!” You take this as criticism and say, “Well, I have to because of all the bills you keep racking up!” You then shout back, “I wasn’t blaming you! I was just saying we need some more time together.” So the original intention was simply to suggest a relaxing weekend together or more TIME together.
- You’re prematurely looking for solutions. Often times women want to express how they feel. Meanwhile, the men want to tell us how to fix it. We don’t want to fix it. We just want them to listen and know how we feel! Why do men do that? Women can also do this same thing. You or your partner’s mind is racing to find a solution, while at the same time missing some or all of what is being said. Again, listening to REPLY, instead of listening to UNDERSTAND.
So what can you do to become a better listener?
- Give your undivided and complete attention. Your partner has something important to say but are you willing and ready to listen? You may not be, and your mind may be on other things. But do not pretend to be listening and just give the “uh-huh, okay” head nod. If possible put aside what you are doing and give your partner your full undivided attention. Show that you care! Even if it’s not a good time at the moment, ask for a better time when you are able to listen fully.
- Speak ONE at a time. When it is your turn to listen, REALLY listen and avoid interrupting or the urge to quickly disagree. You will get your turn to speak but at the moment, just listen to what’s being said. Don’t sit there waiting for your partner to be done so you can get your point in, or sit there tapping your foot or rolling your eyes as if you’re saying in your mind, can you hurry up and shut up already?! We had a habit of doing that and it was just so rude lol.
- Clarify & ask questions. If you’re unsure about what is being said, just simply ASK! You need to make sure you UNDERSTAND what your partner is trying to say because again the goal is listening to understand, NOT listening to reply. Clarify by asking them what they said or repeat back to them what you THINK they said. You can say things like, “So what you’re saying is this…or “If i’m hearing you correctly you want me to do this”, phrases like that. Don’t say things like ,”Wait WHAT?! Are you kidding?!” when there’s something being said that you don’t want to hear. That immediately turns into an argument very fast and then the conversation will go nowhere.
- Listen to the message behind the words. Take note of body language, eye movement, and tone of voice. There have been plenty of times when Jason and I are arguing and he moves a certain way and I’m like, “Oh you think this and that and the third!” And he will say,”No! That’s not what I said.” And I’m like yea but you’re THINKING it! Hahahaha. So when one of you says “That’s fine, it can really mean it’s NOT fine depending on how it was said. “You never help me!” might really mean, “I feel like I’m not important to you.” So really try to get the message BEHIND the words even if it is not spoken. Avoid an argument over what was said rather than what was MEANT.
- Be genuinely interested in your Partner. Always let each other know that you care for each other, are supportive and there for each other. Be affectionate with not only your behavior but with your words. When you have genuine interest in what your partner is saying, listening becomes less forced and more natural. If your partner is talking about something negative, show support and say things like, “I get how that can upset you.” .. or “What can I do to help?” If it’s something positive, again, show support and be happy by saying things like, “That’s great hun! Let’s celebrate! Be an ENCOURAGING listener.
We can’t express enough how important it is to be a good listener. We’re still working on it over here in our home! Make your Partner WANT to talk to you about things with the assurance that you’re truly going to listen to them wholeheartedly. We all have our girlfriends who we talk to and our best buds, but you as a Significant Other ALWAYS want to be that go to person your Partner wants to come to, to express themselves. Don’t leave room for them to go anywhere else for that support. So be SWIFT about hearing, and SLOW about speaking.
Tarah says
These are all amazing points! It’s great how a few simple changes can make a huge impact! I also love that your advice is always from real life!
amberl.hurley says
Thank you Tarah!
Christine says
This is such an important aspect of relationships and one that my fiance and I are still working on. I think technology has had a big effect on it as well, everyone is always distracted by their phones or tv!
amberl.hurley says
Yes so true! Same for us. We’re in our phones sometimes instead of actually listening!
Renee says
Very helpful for me. I often talk more than listen so this opened my eyes
amberl.hurley says
I have a habit of doing that too!
Serena Cooper says
This is great advice – now if I could get my 4-ur-old twins on board with “talk one at a time,” life would be a dream 😂
amberl.hurley says
Hahaha! Thank you for reading!
Meagan says
This is something I def need to work on!
Sue Denym says
Sharing this with my husband. Lol.
Deanna says
These are all such great tips! I have to work on being a better listener!! Will take these tips! Thank you!
Coralyn says
Listening to the message behind the words takes some practice I would think. You want to be correct in your assessment and not come away with the wrong idea. Very practical advice.
Stephanie says
Great tips. I often want to fix things and quit listening well because I’m thinking about solutions, when really I just need to hear what my husband is saying!
Paola says
This is the pillar of a relationship and sometimes we take it for granted. Really good article thank you for sharing.
Adriane Thompson says
oooh I love that! Not just listen to reply but listen to understand! I love simple little changes in our thinking because they make a WORLD of difference!
Jen says
This is such a great topic! Not making assumptions is so key.
Katie Frazier says
This is great because in a world of phones and distractions, it’s easy to have miscommunications. I also struggle with getting excited and talking over people so I definitely need to work on that.
Samantha says
This is a really great post. It’s exactly like you said people often don’t listen to understand which is how arguments and words can be misconstrued. Communication in any relationship is important but if it’s not happening in the right way by actually understanding the person it can’t be solved. Thanks for sharing this!
Cathy says
Really good post! A lot of great information that I need to practice! Thanks!
Kelly| citytoast2southerntea says
I am seriously one that can talk over someone when I get excited and I am working on that. Thanks for these tips.
Dr. Chimnaza says
Sharing with my friend that is close to my heart.
Good tips and thanks for sharing.
Amber Myers says
I am working on this. Sometimes my temper gets the better of me, but I am trying to be calmer.
Kay says
I can be guilty of trying to fix the problem/look for solutions when all they really want is an ear to listen! Great article thanks for the advice.
Cris says
Communication is everything in a relationship. We should all make time and communicate with our loved person.
Krysten Quiles says
I struggle with being a good listener, whereas my husband is fantastic at it. Thank you for the tips and thanks so much for sharing this with all of us.
Kenya says
This is great – I can sometimes talk way more than I listen to my partner especially in a disagreement .
This is awesome advice 🙂
Tara Pittman says
It can be hard for me to be a listener. I do tend to not pay attention so I need to work on that
Ewuzie Kingsley says
You are very on point. I am a good listener and i pay attention to details but it hurts sometimes when people around you are not like that.. I have this friend who gives you the attention you are looking for when talking to him but at the end nothing you ever said entered his ear. I will have to share this for him to read because am tired on getting complains from his girl friend about this.
Enriqueta E Lemoine says
Body language is such a huge point that you brought up. It is important to look interested in what other people are saying.
rachel says
Making assumptions is THE WORST thing you can do. I heard Brene Brown talk about something on her Netflix special and I was like WOAH.
amberl.hurley says
Yea I had a habit of that too.
Marie Phillips says
This is something that I have had to work very intentionally on. It does not come naturally. Thank you for an awesome reminder!
Cindy Ingalls says
These are great tips, good communication is so important in any relationship.