(Audio option)
Is this often you and your Partner? Many couples are known to have affairs……with their PHONES! We live in a world with dings, beeps, and buzzes. The unwise use of electronic devices can undermine a relationship. Some people are on their devices CONSTANTLY which diminishes the time and attention they can give to their partner.
Some people also feel that they can multitask and have meaningful discussions with their partner while using their phone at the same time. That’s so not true! Here’s why: According to sociologist Sherry Turkle, that is “the myth of multitasking.” Evidently, the so-called ability to multitask is not exactly a virtue. She says that in reality, “our performance degrades for each new task we add to the mix.” Isn’t that something? The other person will say “I’m listening, I can listen, let me just check one message” and it really becomes a symbol of how present somebody is at the moment. I know for Jason and I, sometimes one of us will be talking and we’re scrolling through instagram and doing the whole head nod thing over and over and the “mmhhmm” over and over. That’s not listening! Also, I don’t know about you, but I hate repeating myself more than once, and there have been times when I’m trying to tell Jason something and he doesn’t respond and it’s like okay, are you listening? No. He’s buried in his phone answering an email for work. Then, it’s vice versa where I’ve done the same thing because I’m responding to comments on instagram. It happens in many relationships!
So if you’re reading, (or listening) to this post and you realize that the phones are getting in the way of your relationship, what now? How can you cut the habit?
- Establish priorities. Make sure of the more important things! So ask yourself, “Does the time and attention that my partner and I give to our devices rob us of the time and attention that we should give to EACH OTHER? Do we just after dinner plop on the couch and get to scrolling on social media, or answering a dozen emails the rest of the night? Your partner deserves your full attention. There will always be a text message, an e-mail, or a news alert to check. But it can almost always wait. So make your partner a priority, and NOT the phone!
- Set limits. Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re all busy now a days and we all have deadlines, and work to do, and so forth. However, could you set aside a specific time to read and respond to non-emergency messages instead of impulsively handling all messages as they come in? Next thing you know you’re sitting there and an hour or two has gone by while you’re on the phone, and then your partner goes, “Alright hun I’m going to bed.” Then there’s no time spent. So it might be more helpful to put the phone on silent mode and then respond to messages at a more convenient time.
- If possible, leave work at work. There is an APPOINTED TIME for everything! Without us realizing it, our jobs can invade the privacy of our home by means of our phones. Try to make a special effort to avoid constantly checking your phone and handling work-related issues when you and your partner are together. The fact that you can be available around the clock doesn’t mean that you have to be.
- Communicate regarding the devices. There’s that word again! Communicate about the devices and discuss what changes, if any, should be made regarding how much time is spent on it while together. Be honest and speak up if you feel that your partner is using the phone or tablet too much while at home, date nights, or again, whenever you two are together.
Time in the evening that could be spent talking about our day could be spoiled if we constantly have our eyes on our phones. We have so many legitimate demands in life as it is that we don’t need to forfeit quality time with our partner for screen time.
So what changes, if any, would you or your partner like to see with regard to technology use? We would love to hear your thoughts on different things you do to keep technology in its place!
Jen says
I can definitely relate to this post. Phones are so often the cause of frustration and fall outs in relationships. I really love your tips – especially to communicate and set limits!
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Krysten Quiles says
I love this. Sometimes I struggle with boundaries when it comes to technology so your tips are helpful. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us!
amberl.hurley says
I struggle with it too. I’m slightly addicted to my phone lol but I’m working on it. Thank you for reading!
Jennie says
These are very good reminders to think about and implement in our marriages.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Jessica Collazo says
Technology is so annoying sometimes. We just stop using our phones at 9:00p.m. And we turn them off if we are on a date.
amberl.hurley says
Great ideas, thank you for reading!
Joanna says
After a certain hour in the afternoon, phones should be locked in a box and not retrieved until morning… in a perfect world, of course. I think the phone is my worst enemy when it comes to my relationship.
amberl.hurley says
Yea the struggle is real with the phones! Everything is ran on it basically. Thank you for reading!
Amber Myers says
Yes, we try to watch it with devices. We’ll check our phones briefly in bed and then put them away. And then we watch TV together.
amberl.hurley says
That’s great Amber, thank you for reading!
Renee says
LOVE this! We all need to be more intentional about putting the screens down!
amberl.hurley says
Totally! Thank you for reading!
Sarah Bailey says
These sound like some wonderful tips to making sure technology isn’t taking over your life and partnership. I think sometimes these days it can be so hard to know when to put it down.
amberl.hurley says
Yes so true, thank you for reading!
Tara Pittman says
This is so needed for me to see. The tech does tend to get in the way at times
amberl.hurley says
Yes it does, thank you for reading!
Danielle says
Great reminder to be more present in all of our relationships!
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Chelsea Sauve - Wandure says
A very important post in a time when we allow our phone’s alerts to dictate our actions, and attention. Communication about your use of technology, and that of your partner, is essential to feeling heard and valued. Many thanks!
amberl.hurley says
So so true! Thank you for reading.
Stephanie says
This is so smart. It’s so easy to get addicted to our technology!
Kristine Nicole Alessandra says
This is one of the drawbacks of having high tech devices. I must admit that there are times that my husband and I fail to talk (I mean, really talk) because he is so busy watching movies on Netflix, while I am so busy with doing online work. This is a topic I do have to discuss with him soon. I am sure we can work out a plan.
amberl.hurley says
I’m sure you can too! Thank you for reading.
Kathy Kenny Ngo says
I don’t allow it in the dining table. I make sure everyone is present when we eat together. In the bedroom it’s a bit harder coz I have learned to use it as a sleeping aid but then my partner sleeps before I do so it’s fine.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading Kathy!
Kam says
We’ve been good with this lately. We have managed to lower our screen times and still try to do things together. Especially dinner time we always try to make it to a point that we focus on conversations. We should always be reminded of this because it’s so easy to get distracted with all our gadgets nowadays.
amberl.hurley says
Yes so true. Thank you for reading!
Olya Aman says
This website is a resource of great posts and ideas. It is for sure in the list of my all the time ‘favorites’.
amberl.hurley says
Aww thank you so much, I appreciate that!
Maria says
This is definitely an issue in our house. My husband has ADHD so phone use is definitely out of control. It’s hard to bring awareness to him and have him control his impulses. I try hard to work on it in a patient way but sometimes just blow up at him.
amberl.hurley says
Aww I’m sorry to hear that Maria! Thank you for reading.
Marie Phillips says
These are all hugely important. I have been guilty of all of these at one time or another. The whole family needs to be mindful of keeping tech from taking over. It happens so easily.
amberl.hurley says
It sure does, thank you for reading!
Alvern Success Unscrambled says
Gone are the days when the issue was another person in the relationship. Welcome to 2020 when the third person is actually a device. I agree that we need to set priorities and limits because I never heard of a device or social media platform offering TLC to anyone.
amberl.hurley says
Hahaha well said, and thank you for reading!
Sophia Damasceno says
I am moving in with my soon to be husband soon and I definitely want to put rules in place. I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the fast paced technology world but it’s so incredibly important to be present with each other. Life and time are so precious.
amberl.hurley says
Congratulations! Yes it’s very important especially entering a marriage. I wish you the best and thank you for reading!
Berlin Maynigo says
love reading this. social media and the use of internet has eaten my day already that i really need to know my priorities. good list here as i was able to affirm that ive been somehow being slaved by technology. time to do some adjustment.
amberl.hurley says
I’m glad! Thank you for reading!
Catherine Irwin says
Thanks for sharing, this is such an important issue which couples should address. We make it a priority when we are together not to be “multitasking” and to be listening to each other.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Erica says
Wise advice. My team and I work remotely, and this is a lesson that we learned the hard way after responding too quickly to clients at all hours 24 / 7. As a result, that quickly became their expectation and if we didn’t respond right away they would become anxious. Needless to say, we have learned that this was not healthy for us, and now have better boundaries with our clients.
amberl.hurley says
Oh wow thanks for sharing that experience and thank you for reading!
may palacpac says
I work online – both my full time job and my part time work are done on my laptop. At some point I realized I stay on the laptop for so long. so nowadays I’ve been packing my laptop in my bag and leaving the table once i’ve got all the work I’ve planned to do that day get done.
amberl.hurley says
Yea I can get caught up on my laptop too! Thanks for reading!
Rikki Ridgeway says
I agree with all of these, especially the leave work at work issue. It’s so important to be present with your family when you’re with them.
amberl.hurley says
Yes indeed, thank you for reading!
Janay @ https://justjournee.com/ says
I agree it’s so important to set limits on technology. These days we spend more time online then we do talking to each other
amberl.hurley says
Yes we do and it can be a problem! Thank you for reading!
littlemisadvencha says
i agree with what you have pointed out in this post! we must really be wary of the time spent with our partner. and make sure to provide quality time with them to make what we have work. 🙂
amberl.hurley says
That’s so true thank you for reading!
Fatima Torres says
We do our best to keep our tech gadgets outside of the bedroom. It just makes more sense for bedtime to not have a screen going off constantly.
amberl.hurley says
Yes true! Thank you for reading!
Jen says
This is so important. I thought from the title that this would be about kids, but I appreciate that you present this as it applies to adults.
amberl.hurley says
Yes adults get caught up in the devices too. Thank you for reading!
Erik the Hungry Traveller says
Guilty here. Thanks for writing this post it sure is an eye opener for me.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Katie Frazier says
Everyone is guilty of this! Thank you for the reminder that the people around you are so much more important than technology! ❤️
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Lisa @ Midwest Glam says
I think this is a very important topic to talk about. It’s really difficult to give your full attention while on a device. We try our best to set them aside while talking or eating. There’s a time and a place!
amberl.hurley says
Absolutely! Thank you for reading!
Nyxie says
We rarely have anything other than our phones at the dinner table or in bed. It’s all too easy to get distracted by things on handheld devices etc. About the only thing I do have, bar the phone, is my Kindle for reading.
amberl.hurley says
Yes it’s super easy to get caught up with them. Thank you for reading!
Dawn says
So true. My husband and I are pretty good about putting away our phones. No phones at dinner for the adults, no toys at dinner for the kids!
amberl.hurley says
That’s great Dawn, thank you for reading!
Lisa fucci says
Everyone. Everyone. Everyone needs to keep technology in its place. So sad what it’s done to us.
Kiwi says
There is a time and a place for technology. It shouldn’t come between any relationship so there definitely needs to be boundaries!
Melina Elisa says
This is a great post! I’ve been trying to cut back my technology intake, especially how much time I spend on my phone using social media. I leave my phone on do not disturb mode all the time so I don’t react and reach for my phone every time there’s a notification or sound or lights up. Another thing I’ve been doing is when I’m trying to get something done, i turn on the forest app! You set a timer for how long you want to stay away from your phone and if you successfully do it, you grow a tree & virtual coins. With those virtual coins you can save up to unlock new trees and also save up coins to grow real trees! It’s been a great way for me to stay off my phone! Overall, I make it a point to stay off my phone when I’m with my friends or with my partner. Quality time is just better when you’re actually spending time with each other and not with your phones.again, great post xx
Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com
amberl.hurley says
Omg that’s so cool! Wow thanks for sharing that and thank you for reading!
Catherine says
It’s so true – love your tip about not handling every message as it comes in, but waiting for a certain time. I was proud of get my phone time down from about 3.5 hours per day at the end of last year, to only about 1.5-2 now.
amberl.hurley says
That’s awesome! Thank you for reading!
Urvi says
It feels like you are reading my mind. I see this issue everywhere including my home. That’s why we decided the limit to keep everything at its place. Thanks for suggestions.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Tisha Speaks Blog says
Love this! The is so my husband and I 🙁 We chose not to have a TV in our room shortly after we were married but somehow these little devices crept in and we have habits of checking out via phone before bed. Working on changing that!
amberl.hurley says
Yes it gets so addictive! Thank you for reading!
Kelly| Citytoast2southerntea says
I agree it got to a point where my phone became more of my partner than my husband. We both have very high position jobs so things can fall very easily that way but we have both decided to make a point to put the phones down at the same time so we don’t neglect each other.
amberl.hurley says
Yes good point! Thank you for reading Kelly!
Autumn says
My current job defiantly has me attached to my phone and taking me away from my loved ones. I love this article and will be trying to enforce this advice in my own life. Thanks!
amberl.hurley says
I hope it gets better, thank you for reading!
Eloise says
there definitely has to be boundaries when it comes to techy gadgets! When I’m home I place my cell in a special place (off of me and away from the living room/family room.) I stay off it when the kids are around, I want to give them my undivided attention and to be a good role model.
amberl.hurley says
I love it, that’s perfect! Thank you for reading!
Faith says
I don’t have a partner but I sho catch myself on my phone a lot! My goal is to be more present for my kids especially because I know sometimes I get so focused on work that I don’t spend as much time with them as I want.
amberl.hurley says
Same here at home with them. I can get easily caught up! Thank you for reading!
Lyanna Soria says
It’s important to keep in mind how often we use technology and also how it affects the people around us. Remembering to set time when to use and not to use especially when we are with our partners.
Arun Dahiya says
Wow, thanks for this post. True, recently we are too much engrossed in our phone to look at anything or notice anyone.
I try to use the devices minimum at home.
amberl.hurley says
That’s good! Thank you for reading!
Alexis says
I agree to a certain degree but also know there can be a mutual understanding among spouses that a few minutes on the phone before bed isn’t the end of a relationship.
amberl.hurley says
Yes that is true also, thank you for reading!