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There are quite a few parents who have strong-willed children. We sure do, and let me tell you it is not easy! There are tears shed by me sometimes lol. I see my strong-willed personality in both of our daughters who are only 2 and 4. A child that is strong-willed is stubborn and has to always have their way. This trait is observable early on! Are your children (or child) like that?
Having a strong-willed child can be both a blessing and a curse. We all want our kids to be confident, have a voice, stand up for themselves, and not just simply follow what others say, or follow after the crowd so to speak.
However, what my Husband and I have learned as parents is that it’s important to learn how to draw the line between letting strong-willed children spread their wings, and having them understand that we are their parents, and how we as their parents are here to protect them. So how do you deal with this particular trait while maintaining good and balanced parenting habits and turn that tension into joy?
Do Not Enter Into a Battle
- Someone once told me to never enter into a battle of the wills! You will be exhausted. If you win, you break the will. If you lose, your child will walk all over you! Your job is not to teach them who’s in charge by teaching them WHAT to think. Teach them HOW to think and redirect that strong will towards the good, putting into play basic house rules and few demands.
- Often times we are repeating ourselves over and over. “Pick up your dress off the floor”, “stop throwing things”, “Stop jumping on the couch”, “Throw that in the garbage and come here and let me brush your hair”…….that was like 6 demands all at once! When I say those things, our daughter’s reaction is, “Ugh FINE!” at 4 years old! A 4 year old saying the words “ugh, fine”. There’s some resistance often shown when I ask her to do things. So now what?
Power Struggles
- What is the “power struggle method”? It’s when a child refuses to do something and the parent continues to insist on the child “doing it NOW”. This ongoing thing becomes a battle of the wills as I mentioned earlier which is what we want to avoid. We as parents succumb to this very often because when our kids don’t listen to us the first time, the back and forth argument with your toddler continues and it’s more difficult for them to comply.
- Often, children who rebel have parents who use controlling methods. This is not the case with EVERY child, as each one is different. However, one of the things that can contribute to that strong-willed quality is the concept of MAKING your child do things. So for example, I tend to often say to our 4 year old, “You’re gonna sit here and finish your breakfast first and then we will go do this or do that.” Then she replies with “NO! I don’t want breakfast!” So instead of putting it negatively, I could use the positive discipline tool and say, “I’m going to eat breakfast first, do you wanna eat together and then we go do this or that?” It’s positive and she’s more likely to not be so defiant because I’m not MAKING her do it and giving her room to push back on the force!
Discipline with Natural Consequences & Personal Reflection
- I can’t speak for other parents, but I’ve had the temptation with our girls who are super strong-willed to enforce discipline. It gets tough and talking to them repeatedly and them not listening can tempt you to get stronger and stronger and show them who’s in charge so to speak. Your patience is tested and it’s easy to just resort to the standard punishment like time out, and spanking. Or, if you’re like us, you resort to yelling!
- However, yelling and spanking aren’t long term solutions. We get the immediate results where the girls stop the crazy behaviour, but in the long run, it does more harm than good because they don’t learn from it. Instead, we’ve learned and are still learning that a child needs that “attuned” parenting.
- Rather than the extreme disciplinary methods, choose methods that require reflection or allow your child to make up for their inappropriate behaviour. Example: Our 4 year old is sometimes mean towards her little sister who is 2. So instead of resorting to spanking or yelling, “Stop doing that!”, we now try to say things like, “Are we mean to people we love?” “Do you love your sister?” “Give your sister a hug and tell her you’re sorry.” REASONING and REFLECTING rather than PUNISHING.
Ease That Strong-Willed Quality with Tenderness & Love
- It’s so easy to be tired and frustrated with a strong-willed child that we forget to be tender, gentle, and loving. I’ll admit. I forget it sometimes myself because day to day it’s so draining and I just wanna lock myself in the closet. However, we have to remember that they are little children, and we’re the adults. They just need guidance and direction. We as adults need patience, and lot’s of it!
- Being that our children are human and have feelings too, deal with them lovingly and establish that guidance and direction given on a daily basis TOGETHER. When you involve them and do things in a collaborative manner rather than lording it over them, they feel empowered and respected. Furthermore, they’re more inclined to listen and understand when being disciplined.
So if your child is challenging, doesn’t accept instruction at face value, asks why often, is outspoken, and basically just flat out strong willed, they are still your child and investing in them is the best investment of your life. The work you are doing in raising them is laying the foundation to help them craft that quality to use for the good because that strong-willed child is filled with GREATNESS!
Sloan Free says
I will definitely need this when I have kids. I’m one of those future parents that would try to overpower or control when they don’t listen… and I know for a fact I’ll have strong willed kids!! Lol
amberl.hurley says
Oh yes lol hahaha thank you for reading!
Kimberlie says
I’m a teacher and we use positive behavior supports to guide students to appropriate behavior. Your post closely aligns with our methods of stating things positively and not engaging in power struggles. I’ll admit it’s easier at home with several students versus at home with my own child.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Yonca says
Enjoyable and informative post! My son is 18 this year and he is a strong willed child. Since I have only one, my experience is limited with him 😊
Rebecca @ Busy Mom Smart Mom says
Great tips! I am definitely raising a strong-willed child and he really tests my limits. It’s hard because his sister is the total opposite, truly a dream child as far as discipline goes.
amberl.hurley says
Yea lol at least you have one of strong willed hahaha. Two is not as fun lol thank you for reading!
Kristyn says
This is great! Thankfully my daughter is pretty calm, but my son….woah. lol
amberl.hurley says
Hahahah. Thank you for reading!
Amber Myers says
My daughter is strong willed. She tries my patience, but she also cracks me up on a daily basis. She’s going to be super fun in high school.
amberl.hurley says
Yes I feel the same about my girls lol
Jazmin says
Man, if this isn’t my two-almost-three year old! Thanks so much for the tips, because she got a little bit too much of my personality instead of her dads!
amberl.hurley says
Yes same girl!! Thank you for reading!
Jessica Collazo says
Thanks so much for this poat. My baby is showing off this traits and she is not even 2 yet… I need to save this tips.
amberl.hurley says
The struggle! Thank you for reading!
Lisa says
I’m not yet a mother, but I really enjoyed reading this. I always knew that children could be independent, but not strong willed. It sounds like you’re raising some great kids.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you so much!!
Tara Pittman says
I have raised 2 strong willed kids and it is tough. The 2nd one was easier after I learned some skills
amberl.hurley says
Oh that’s good! Thank you for reading!
CA says
I am a strong-willed adult now. But I was a very obedient child. My teen years is another story.
amberl.hurley says
Hahaha thank you for reading!
Marie Phillips says
I have had my share of strong-willed children! And what I eventually learned was to not come across as aggressive because they were immediately up for the challenge. I also realized I was coming across as aggressive without even realizing it. Then I learned to make sure they realize we’re fighting for the same goals and working on the same team. Once we both realized that in any given situation, it diffused pretty quickly. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve mellowed out, lol.
amberl.hurley says
That’s great advice! Thank you for reading!
Chiquta says
I too have a strong-willed child. For the most part, her strong willingness required more internal work for me. I learned that all of my children are not the same and that I should just love her for her and ask for God to guide me on how to raise her to the best of my ability.
amberl.hurley says
Can never go wrong with that! Thank you for reading!
littlemisadvencha says
the power of tenderness and love can’t be measured. 🙂 I was also a strong-willed child before and Im thankful for my parents for raising me well and extending all their patience. I know that I am really hard headed. haha! <3
Krysten Quiles says
So interesting. I feel like I was very strong willed as a child and I feel like my parents did a good job of combating that. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us!
Adrienne says
I have one strong willed, one easy going, and one in the middle! When my strong willed was very little and I was pulling my hair out, my brother gave me a beautiful piece of advice. He said as frustrating as it is now, this will be a trait that leads to determination and success as an adult. It is important to not necessarily discipline all of that fire out of them. Parenting can be so hard!
amberl.hurley says
Yes absolutely! A friend of mine told me that they will make great leaders!
successunscrambled says
I think I prefer to have strong-willed children compared to a child who follows the crowd. It reminds me of my daughter when she was between the ages of 2 and 4. She would want something and we would say no then hide the item and long after the event she will still ask or go looking for it. It was tough trying to change the subject with her.🤣
Maria says
Strong willed children are definitely a blessing and a curse. I have delved into so many parenting books over the past couple of months to help solve our son’s behavior. It also doesn’t help that he most likely has ADHD and anxiety on top of his strong will. It gets extremely exhausting. Most of the time, I just want a strong drink at dinner and then fall asleep and forget the day ever happened. Lol. But then when he crawls next to me and says he loves me or goes and kisses his brother, all the other stuff sort of melts away.
amberl.hurley says
Yes I so feel this!!
Gabrielle says
My son is five and very much a strong-willed individual. When it comes to discipline with him, we have definitely had to be very creative in our approach. I can appreciate your transparency in your post about whT has worked for you and why you took the stance you took.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!!
Catherine says
Totally with you on how hard this can be! You’re so right that simply yelling a lot of demands never helps. I often find the quieter and calmer I am, the more she listens to me. Sometimes I just whisper “socks” when I need her to put them on. LOL.
amberl.hurley says
Hahaha that’s funny! Thanks for reading!
Priya says
Great post. I have 2 kids and when I force them to do things, it just doesn’t work out. But when I give them choices, they feel empowered and things usually work out for me and them.
amberl.hurley says
Yup, so true! Thank you for reading!
Shelby Baird says
Omg, what a beautiful post! Your girls looks so incredibly sassy and fun and wild! I don’t have children but I can definitely understand being frustrated with little ones, but at the same time you have to know that they are learning things about themselves and what they’re capable of! Thanks for sharing a little peak into your family life 🙂
amberl.hurley says
Awww thank you for reading!
Cindy Ingalls says
Both of my children were strong-willed! I found that giving them choices (curated by me) helped because they felt less ‘controlled.’ I will say that trait served them well as teens and adults.
Candace Hampton says
I can only imagine what this is like! Good for you for being the best parent you can possibly be.
World in Eyes says
Great post! Managing child is very tough work, but children are the leader of tomorrow so elder should guide them properly….love to read this informative post.
solrazo.com says
Great insights! Kids and their attitudes are sometimes hard to decipher but if you love them, our patience will help them to cope up and will actually help them in developing their characters.
Sophia says
Yes, I love the last point. Love is the answer and will work wonders. Cute photo too!
David Allen Elliott says
I definitely agree with letting the natural consequences of one’s actions be punishment enough. Thankfully I never had to deal with a strong-willed child. That’s great you seem to have such a great perspective about it all.
Jocelyn says
I will absolutely need to reread this when I have kids (having a strong personality myself). Goodness knows I’ll have to work to “ease that strong-willed quality with tenderness and love”. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Natalie says
Yes!!! My husband and I have a saying: “don’t engage!!”. Anytime my strong-willed kiddo starts a battle, we choose not to engage in it with him and it makes alllll the difference. It’s not easy because, I too, am so strong willed, lol.