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Would you like your spouse if you weren’t married to him or her? Thought provoking question isn’t it. Even if there are parts of your relationship that you’re not happy with in general do you LIKE the person you’re with?
Obviously at one point you liked them enough to want to spend the rest your life with them. However, as you start living with them, and see EVERYTHING about them, as time goes on you may start to dislike them little by little. Everything about them may start to irritate the heck out of you!
One husband states and I quote, “My wife frustrates the bejesus out of me sometimes. Many of those fun little quirks of hers, which were too endearing and winsome when we were dating, have become burrs under my saddle.” A lot of things that made you like your partner when you first met them, now that you’re living with them it drives you nuts! For example, the way you two would go hiking every weekend, the way he or she would laugh, how the stars excited them, the way they brushed their teeth, the way they snort while they drink their soda or what have you. Now, you’re so irritated with all those things, those same things that made you all giddy and excited make you wanna gag! One of my friends had said to me about her husband, “We’re total opposites in many regards, but also very similar. When we met his personality irked me and it still does almost 10 years later!” Haha, it happens!
Many of us may have heard the expression or even voiced it, “I love my spouse, but I don’t like them!” The “liking” tends to fade as everyday stresses occur with life, the relationship quirks, kids(which just brings the relationship into a whole other planet by the way) and even sleep deprivation. These things can bring out the worst in us and the small things become “the last straw”.
I remember for me, I couldn’t STAND my Husband. I feel horrible saying that but it’s true and he knew it too. Everything was irritating me and I just couldn’t be happy. Things were no longer “marital bliss” and I was plain miserable. I thought he was SO annoying! My own mentality needed to be adjusted though.
However, here are some things to ask yourself:
- Do you enjoy spending time with other people rather than your spouse?
- Do you get annoyed every time they make a suggestion about anything?
- Do you get annoyed and roll your eyes as soon as they start talking?
- Does sex feel like a chore rather than something you look forward to?
- Are you secretly happy when your spouse is at work or not around for a long period of time?
When you start to feel like you no longer like your spouse, you have to think about what has changed. Does your spouse do something that’s intolerable? DID they do something? Is there something one of you needs that you’re not getting? These are things that you have to address by COMMUNICATING!
Stop the Comparisons
- Comparing your spouse to someone else’s spouse is so dangerous. It’s natural to say to yourself or even out loud, “Oh man look how he helps his wife out in the kitchen and look how he picks up after himself!” “Oh see, his wife lets him go out with the guys twice a week! My wife won’t even let me go out with the guys for an hour without itching and moaning!” Before you know it, you have a stack of comparisons adding up in your head and you just start to look at your own spouse with disgust! Look at the GOOD qualities your spouse has and what you like about them. If you say there’s nothing, well…………. dig deeper!
Stop Thinking About How Your Spouse USED to Act
- Let’s be real! Just about everyone when they’re first dating, puts their best foot forward! We want to impress the person were with so that we can eventually win them over and have them fall in love with us right? However, couples start getting comfortable in their relationship and “slacking” in more ways than one. No one is expecting you to be Jesus and be on your A game all the time! I will say this though and it’s something my late grandmother used to always say to me. “The same thing you did to get your spouse, is the same thing you have to do to KEEP them!” Although that’s true, don’t fixate your mind so much on how they “used” to act.
- Instead, communicate and see where changes can be made to bring the spark back in. Your relationship will no doubt change over the years, but don’t let it change in a bad way. Let the dynamic change, but IMPROVE!
Spend Quality Time Together
- Right now, there really should be no reason to NOT be spending ample time together. We’ve been in quarantine for quite a bit now and some have grown closer to their spouse, loving them MORE, and then some have heavily started disliking their spouse lol. That can change though. Try some new things that you both can enjoy together! Get spontaneous with each other. Continue date nights each week even if it’s a blanket on the living room floor with some wine. While you’re doing that, act as nice as you were when you FIRST MET!
- If you have kids, find some time after they’re down or even some time out of the house away from them. I’m sure it’s needed now more than ever. With us, we were ripping each other’s heads off while being in quarantine and no sitter for the kids for a while. It was brutal lol. Those feelings of dislike started to come back real quick! hahaha. However, remember this: You two were for each other before you married and before you had kids. Don’t turn against each other with a heavy dislike. The way to do that is to spend ample time. Trust me, MAKE the time.
Be Kind to Each Other
- It’s hard to feel animosity and dislike towards someone you are going out of your way to be kind to. Theres plenty of times when I can be more kind to my Husband and not so much of a brat. Look for ways to serve your spouse, make them smile, and lighten their load. It may not be appreciated or even reciprocated at first but you are making a conscious choice and effort to like and love them again, and SHOW them!
Don’t let yourselves become roommates in your relationship but rather best friends and lovers! Give each other grace, being that you BOTH are imperfect and take the steps needed to implement small changes that will lead you back to loving AND liking the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. So….. do YOU like your spouse?
Mimi says
I’m not in a relationship now but this really makes me think, I’ll have to see when it happens
MELANIE EDJOURIAN says
Spending time together can make a big difference to a relationship. Also, talking can help, so many people don’t talk which causes so many problems.
amberl.hurley says
Yes absolutely!
Tin tin says
I think this is such an important topic and this makes totally sense. Yes. Comparing your spouse to other people is bad. And you both need to grow and change together.
Lisa says
I do love my spouse, but sometimes he drives me right up the wall!
amberl.hurley says
Hahahahah I’m sure we all can attest to that lol
Tara Pittman says
Most days I like my spouse. We do annoy each other at times but we still love each other.
Amber Myers says
I do! But I am big on personal space. I can’t spend tons of time with a person without getting annoyed.
amberl.hurley says
Yes I’m the same way!
Fabulous Perks says
I can’t imagine being married to someone I don’t like. Yes, my husband and I have our difference, but I don’t let that get to me.
amberl.hurley says
Good to hear! Thank you for reading!
Ebony Fowlkes says
I think we all have those days where our spouse is downright annoying. However, your tips were spot on!
caressa walker says
Comparison is definitely the thief of joy! I have learned this in my marriage as well.
Josfolio says
Wow, a genuine article for building strong relationships. These kinda discussions are needed these days.
Josephine Bokuniewicz says
Such a good question & many times I actually don’t like my spouse very much. He frustrates the hell out of me; but other times I do like him. He is my best friend.
Great Post!!
xo. Josephine
amberl.hurley says
Awww that’s good and honest lol thanks for reading!
ohmummymia says
I like my husband. He had a a really good sence of humour so he can make me laugh even when I’m mad on him😅
joanna says
This is so true, as time goes by you find that little things that you loved about each other now annoy you. It’s so important though not to let it go too far and try to get to the bottom of what is making you feel that way.
Tami Qualls says
It can be difficult to be kind one another, but it is essential to have a thriving marriage. I dislike my husband at times, but a lot of the time, it’s me, not anything he’s done.
amberl.hurley says
I had to realize that too! Thank you for reading!
Kinzy says
I’m grateful that I love my spouse dearly (and like him a lot too!). These are great tips for growing together. It really is important not to play the comparison game.
successunscrambled says
Oh my goodness. This is so hilarious. I never even thought that this is possible. How could you love your spouse but don’t like them? Anyway, great food for thought. It could be down to those love languages again. I cannot believe you chopped your hair.
amberl.hurley says
Lol yes! I wanted to finally wear my own hair! And yes girl it’s possible I have heard some stories hahaha
kimberly k lewis says
yes i do! with my husband working at home, we have learned new things about each other.
Rachel says
YES! Just stepping back and reminding myself to ‘be kind’ and think things over helps!
Jessica Joachim says
Ya know, I never really thought about it that way. I think my spouse is a lot of fun to hang out with. we have fun together and I love him. So yeah, I do think I actually like him.
Cindy E Ingalls says
It seems like people give up too easily these days. It helps to talk through things.
Ngozi says
I’ve had many “last straws” with my husband. Things have got so bad once this year that I had to call my mother to complain, and to call her once after 20 years, it must have been THE last straw😂 Things seem to have been getting better since then. Great post!
amberl.hurley says
Hahahahaha that’s funny! Thank you for reading!
Brittany says
Awe this is such a swee post. We definitely had (actually still have) some of those moments of such frustration! We got married on rocky terms so we’ve put in A LOT of work! YAY counseling! Great post!!!
Amanda Krieger says
I have a friend that always says she loves her spouse but she REALLY REALLY likes him, and then she points out that the like is harder sometimes 🙂 i can relate to that!
Lovely says
This is a thought-provoking post! Intimacy is really important to the relationship. Thank you for sharing!
xoxo
Lovely
http://mynameislovely.com
Felicia Luceus says
I love this blog post! My husband and I have been married 4 years but we have a total of 14 years together so PLEASE believe there are things that get under our skin with each other. In pregnancy is when I can’t stand him the most 🤭😂 because everything grossed me out ( like how he sounds when he eats lol) but I LOVE these tips they are spot on !