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Do you or your partner have friends of the opposite sex? Do you agree that it is a threat to a relationship, or is it acceptable as long as there are boundaries and respect shown for the other partner? One wife says, “It depends how close they are. If they are my friends too and we all do things together, I’m okay with it. But once they start to have a singular friendship without me, that’s a little uncomfortable.” However, there’s TWO sides to this!
It’s a situation that many people view with suspicion, and when not handled properly it can in fact become a threat to an exclusive relationship or marriage. Further, inappropriate behavior can start to occur that is disrespectful to the relationship. For some, it truly is JUST and ONLY a friendship and that’s great! The respect is there for their partner, no lines crossed ever, and it’s not something to worry about. For my Husband and I, friends of the opposite sex are a “no from us dawg”. I have a big personality and can be overly friendly. I smile often like a horse and am very outgoing! So most men take it the wrong way viewing it as inviting to something flirtatious. In the past I’ve reciprocated and went too far with it. Before I knew it, I was giving those friends more attention than I was giving my own Husband and looking to them for emotional support. That was so so dangerous!
You see, no matter how long you’ve known that friend(s) attraction can still build up especially if they are HIGHLY attractive! When that’s the case, the sexual and physical attraction start to build up and the rest is history……… From what I’ve seen personally, a friend of the opposite sex is most likely to be an affair partner. The closer the friendship, (again, especially if they are extremely good-looking) the more likely the affair. It doesn’t even have to start with you, it can come from the person you’re friends with even if you don’t feel the same way.
Now if you and your partner ARE accepting to friends of the opposite sex, how can you ensure that it does not become a threat? Do you set boundaries?
Understand the Reality of Potential Problems
You have to understand and be realistic that certain opposite sex friendships can actually destroy your relationship or marriage. Emotional affairs, infidelity physically, and even just flirting can cause HUGE problems! In our case for my Husband and I, there are a history of wounds from past experiences with opposite sex relationships, and old feelings of fear can emerge which then damages the intimacy and safety of the relationship. So your relationship must be protected and preserved. Remember the potential danger. Think about it, can you carry fire against your chest without burning your clothes?
Self Examination About Your Friendships with the Opposite Sex
Ask yourself the following questions and REALLY think on whether you are “just friends”. I thought it was “just friends” too……
- Do I talk about my marital problems with this person?
- Do I create opportunities to be with him or her?
- Do I hide the friendship from my spouse?
- If my spouse were present, would I be embarrassed?
- Would my spouse feel suspicious or betrayed if he or she overheard our conversations?
- Does the person you are friends with RESPECT your relationship enough to not let lines be crossed?
When asking these questions it really makes you think because all of the above can in reality be a complete YES and you not even realize it because you’re already TOO close with each other! Remember, the heart is TREACHEROUS!
Set Boundaries
- Decide what you will, and will not tolerate when it comes to conduct with the opposite sex. It wouldn’t be fitting to discuss your marital problems with that friend, or even go out often for drinks, etc.
- Even if you’ve been friends long before you entered into an exclusive relationship or marriage, they should already SEE that you are committed to YOUR PARTNER! Even then, still often make it a point to make it known that you are committed! Don’t let it be the case where the friendship causes you to feel pulled away from your spouse emotionally!
- Set boundaries of not allowing yourself to catch feelings or get emotionally attached! I’ve heard people say, “We’ve known each other for years though, so I don’t know why all of a sudden it feels different and I’ve found myself getting attached when I’m now in a relationship.” Or, I’ve seen many occasions where the person is professing their love for someone who was just supposed to be their “friend”, and they tell them he or she is their soulmate and that it’s ALWAYS been them. Key word ALWAYS – or something to that effect. Some people can be having feelings for you right under your nose and you don’t even know it.
- Does that friend meet emotional needs that normally a spouse would meet such as validation, comfort, respect, intimate conversation, etc.? Have self control, and don’t let your friend begin taking the place of your own spouse or partner. Give exclusive devotion. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known the friend since you were in 4th grade. And I don’t mean that in a nasty way, but BE CAREFUL because you just NEVER KNOW how the other person truly may be feeling and just waiting for the opportunity. An opposite sex friend also shouldn’t be someone who is an actual ex of yours or was a former lover.
So probably the most important principles in all of this are LOYALTY and RESPECT! If you’ve become too close to a member of the opposite sex, it might be best to change things completely or end the relationship. If that seems too much to bear, ask yourself why! Instead of trying to defend your relationship and friendship with this person, stand up for your partner and do all you can to protect your relationship and marriage. Prioritize it because it is the most precious relationship to protect!
Tiffany says
Honestly I love this blog post & I definitely understand each side but once it starts to get to far or to much it needs to end it never start in the first place. For me and my fiancé opposite friends or even (best friends ) at that are a NO FOR US! For the simple fact that we are both to attractive and have BIG hearts so anybody would fall for that right so we just keep to ourself a and live a happy life!
We love your blogs ❤️
amberl.hurley says
Yes same hahaha, thank you for reading dear!
Ambuj Saxena says
Very well said and i have to agree that each and every word you have entered in your post is true to the hilt! The questions to keep one’s actions in check are the most important!
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Bindu Thomas says
Friends are always friends! There is no need to worry about the sex. Thats my policy. But all the others are not like that. There lies the problem. I am totally agreeing with you in that case
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Krysten Quiles says
My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex, some of whom are exes. I guess we just have that trust there and that’s all we need. It doesn’t need to be a problem unless someone makes it a problem.
amberl.hurley says
Okay, I can appreciate that! Thank you for reading!
Kathy Kenny Ngo says
I think that it’s possible only if there has never been any romantic feelings between the two persons. Then and only then can platonic be real.
amberl.hurley says
I agree thank you for reading!
Nataie says
I’m with you 100%!! I’m a jealous person – my husband knew that going into our marriage – so friends of the opposite sex were a no-go from the start. We’re both ok with that and neither of us feel like we’re missing out.
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Bella says
This is such a great share, I honestly have to say that I am friends with a lot for guys then girls . I find that my guy friends are a lot for chill and easy to get along with but I love my close girlfriends
https://xoxobella.com/
amberl.hurley says
Thank you for reading!
Amy says
I think having friends of the opposite sex require clear transparency and full communication with your partner. It can be a very gray area. I have a lot of male friends but I’m very clear that if they think they will ever disrespect my partner or my relationship in any way, they will no longer be in my life. I thankfully have never had any issues but I set the tone right from the start.
amberl.hurley says
Yes agreed! Thank you for reading!
Ashley says
Wow I loved your perspective on this subject. I am always torn because I would rather my bf/ husband not have any outside freinds!! LOL
amberl.hurley says
Hahaha thank you for reading!
Kileen says
This was super interesting and very informative. This can be a very tricky situation that I try to avoid all together. I like how you explained both sides, the pros and the cons very well. Thank you for sharing this!
Kileen
cute & little
Joanna says
I think this is a difficult conversation to have with your loved one, because you can’t expect them to give up their friends just because you find them attractive. Attractiveness is something different for everyone. I think that if there is respect and trust in a relationship, no other friendship with the opposite sex can go further than what it is, platonic.
amberl.hurley says
I see your perspective! Thank you for reading!
Jon (bitwy) says
A great read. You have excellent points and tips.
Gervin Khan says
This is very sensible article and you nailed every point to consider, thanks for sharing this to us.
Marie Phillips says
This is spot on! I have held this position my whole adult life and gotten flack from many others about it. But the truth, as you noted, is that two people can bond without even realizing it, and by that time, harm is done to your marriage, without you intending it. Very few people intentionally have an affair. Most generally it happens by casual bonding that turns into way more.
Monidipa says
I believe it completely depends on the mutual trust. Me and my best friend (male) had faced problems but friendship comes first for us both. Now the girl he’s dating a is ok with me and we have become good friends.