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Marriage is an institution that can be wonderful in so many ways and bring a lot of blessings. At the same time, there are many “thorns in the flesh”. Every marriage has their ups and downs, but there are things that you may want to look at closely to see if they are the result of something not working well in your marriage. Our marriage was totally strained and for quite some time. We’ve overcome it though and kept it from depleting. We are not perfect, but we definitely know the signs of a strained marriage. Now a couple with typical marital problems doesn’t necessarily mean their marriage is strained, but a couple in a strained marriage may have some UNDERLYING problems. What are they, and are any of these the case for you?
- One or both of you have become emotionally distant.
- One or both of you have considered cheating or have already done it in real life or online, and physically or emotionally.
- The sex life is either low, not there at all.
- You argue about finances often or certain finances are being hidden.
- You are happier when your spouse is away from home either at work or on a business trip, at the gym or just anywhere but at home! (This was me. I was glad to be at work, and I was glad whenever my husband went to the gym or even glad to get out with my girls)
- You are constantly feeling like you’re on two different planes.
- You bicker a great deal.
- You don’t communicate about problems and one of you shuts down or puts up a wall.
- If you’re a parent you fight in front of the kids.
- You repeatedly have the same arguments over the same things.
- You or your partner keeps secrets.
- The fights escalate out of control or to screaming matches.
Sound familiar? This was totally us for SO SO LONG! We were one of those couples who appeared all fine on the gram and in public, but emotionally distant and then at home raking each other’s necks! We wanted a divorce because we couldn’t take it anymore. We had the papers filed in the courts and all! I was READY! But then, I had to realize that there were things I needed to do to get our marriage back on track. So how do you restore that strained marriage?
1. Communicate Regularly
- Do you talk to your friends more than you talk to your spouse? Do you go DAYS without having a REAL conversation with your spouse? Communication is one of the most crucial things in a marriage or any relationship and if there is a communication breakdown, it can bring the whole thing down!
- A couple’s Therapist and Author Jonathan Robinson said, “The number one thing that people want is to be understood and they want to feel like their emotions and feelings are being valued.” That’s such a true statement. In order to be understood and to value what your spouse is saying, you have to LISTEN, and LISTEN empathetically. Do NOT listen to reply. Listen to UNDERSTAND. There’s a difference between hearing and actually listening. So when your spouse does voice their issues to you, instead of responding back with a “Well YOU do this and that, YOU YOU YOU, try “I can see that you’re upset because…” or “I can understand how that bothers you.” EMPATHY. It avoids one of you being triggered and you’re able to communicate effectively instead of always being on the defense.
2. Have Date Night WEEKLY
- Perhaps you’ve heard the expression to continue “dating” your spouse. Try to make time for date night every week, even if it’s just to go get some ice cream or even get a blanket on the floor and have some wine together and just talk. It doesn’t have to be all lavish, just something simple to keep the fire burning.
- My grandma used to always say with regard to marriage and relationships – “The same thing you did to get them is the same thing you have to do to keep them.” You have to continue doing the things you did when you were dating. Small thoughtful gestures can make one feel like a newlywed again. Make them coffee in the morning, leave little notes around the house, etc. Some might say, “Ummm no, that’s not me. I don’t do that stuff.” Well, find something that is thoughtful and can bring the spark back in that is authentic to YOU. But find it and make them feel appreciated and WANTED! Make the effort to COME TOGETHER!
3. Be Forgiving & Forgive Quickly
- Now in a marriage one or both of you is bound to do something that really upsets your spouse in one way or another. That’s just what it is. Until you wake up one morning perfect it’s going to happen. However, your marriage can start to fall apart if one of you is holding a grudge or resentful. When there is resentment, a wall is up and it really won’t be torn down until that resentment is released and forgiveness is shown. Feeling contempt towards your spouse can fester and maybe lead to divorce if the problems are not resolved. There’s couples who literally cannot move forward because they’re holding onto one thing or more from 1929!
- Try to forgive as quickly as possible. Remember forgiving is just as much of a gift to you because you’re not taking up mental and emotional space and possibly impacting your health and stress levels. However, it also comes down to learning how to apologize effectively. Sometimes “Sorry” is not enough. Make sure you are apologizing effectively to where the other party KNOWS and FEELS it is sincere!
4. Don’t Try to Control Your Spouse
- I’ve heard someone say about their wife, “My wife get’s on my nerves. She always tries to be somebody’s mother even to me!” It’s humorous at first but it’s rather annoying. One of the ways to have a healthy marriage is to have MUTUAL respect for each other and not demand your own way. This can mean different things for different couples, but try to keep in mind trying not to monitor them all the time or come off controlling. With my Husband, I felt that he came off very authoritative towards me and it irritated the heck out of me. I wanted a husband, not a father. I wanted a companion, not a parental figure! At the same time, I had some of my grandmother’s controlling smothering traits with him too!
- Give your spouse room to be who they are(within reason of course) Don’t let them obviously be a downright toxic person. Learn to work together when making big decisions especially about money or when it comes to the kids. Your job is to treat your spouse like the human being they are, not like they are your child. Remember, you both were an individual FIRST before you came together as one flesh.
5. Seek Out Help
- If you’re still having challenges in your marriage and divorce seems right around the corner, get help! Give therapy a try and don’t wait too long before seeking help. We personally LOVE therapy and have the best therapist ever! It has had such a positive effect on our marriage. Find someone who specializes in marriage or couples therapy. They are out there and willing to help.
- However, make sure that both of you feel comfortable with the therapist and find the right fit. But I will tell you this – in order for it to work, you have to be willing to apply what you hear while in therapy. You can’t just be a body sitting in a chair or just a set of eyes looking at the zoom screen. Your heart has to be in it.
So in order to pull back up that strained marriage, both of you must be willing and open to change. You both have to commit to doing the work and putting in the effort to make it work and that also includes being willing to look at yourself and your flaws. If you’re not willing to do that you will end up by yourself. We give our material possessions so much care like our cars, or our clothes and the best suits, and shoes, our money, our hair etc. Your marriage needs tender loving care too. So work to change your pattern of interaction, emotional connection, and communication within your marriage.
Ivan Jose says
Nice tips; practical and easy-to-follow. In the end, you should remain respectful of each other for a blissful married life.
Tina says
So good! So true. So relatable.
Amber Myers says
These are some great ideas. My husband and I always spend time together in the evenings. It’s important! And we go on dates now that they kids are older and can hang out at the house on their own.
Tara Pittman says
This is good info. Marriages can have their troubles but we need to work together.
Enriqueta E Lemoine says
Great tips! Most of them apply not just to marriage, but to every relationship in life
Joanna says
A healthy relationship is based on communication. If there is no communication, things start to break and sometimes, it’s hard to fix them.
successunscrambled says
You are right Amber, it takes the two of you to want to make things work. If the other person does not want to fight to stay together then things can fall apart. It’s such a great story that you decided that you wanted to fight for your relationship. Well done!
Joe @ Mini Riches says
Great tips! Communication is key, and date nights help. Real love takes real work! The sooner a new couple realizes that, the better off they’ll be.
Ruth I says
I am not married but I still learned a lot from this. Communication is very important!